I wrote this years ago and thought someone out there might enjoy it, so without further ado:
MR WILLERBY VS MS HOOD
Dear Mr. Willerby,
It has come to my attention that your border collie has been digging up my garden and soiling my lawn. This is most unpleasant for me as I am a working woman and hardly have the time to clean up after my cat, let alone your dog.
I request that you keep your dog within your property or on a leash at all times to avoid a reoccurrence of this most distasteful incident. Thank you in advance for taking such measures to ensure the stability and tranquillity of this neighbourhood.
Dear Ms. Hood,
I apologise for the erratic behaviour of my dog, but you have no right to command me to tie up my poor Binky all day long solely to avoid a bit of dirt out of place in your garden. It is only natural for a dog to dig up a little dirt now and then, and dogs need exercise.
In case you haven’t noticed, I have a job too and don’t have the time to take Binky out for walks as often as I’d like to, so I leave him untied now and again. I humbly suggest that perhaps you should invest in a fence as an alternative to allow Binky his freedom and exercise.
Thank you in advance for taking such measures to ensure the sanity and wellbeing of the animals in this neighbourhood.
You are completely out of your mind if you think that I am going to spend all my hard-earned savings on a fence just to stop your dog from destroying my garden which I have painstakingly planted and watered with my own hands. What kind of a name is ‘Binky’ anyway?
I humbly instruct you to keep your dog off of my property or I will have to tie him up myself. Perhaps you yourself could invest in a fence?
You are completely insane if you think that I would purposely subject my dog to such torture as to let you tie him up. You obviously have no idea as to the nature of the canine species.
As to the fence, if you knew me well enough, which you don’t, you would realise that I am not earning nearly enough money to build a decent doghouse, not to mention a fence. I am sorry that Binky has taken such a liking to your garden, but that’s life and I’m afraid that you’re going to have to get used to it.
Dear Mr. Stubborn idiot,
How dare you tell me to ‘get used to it’! If you thought for one second that I am going to let some dog-loving delinquent force life idioms upon me, then you’ve got another thing coming.
This is your last chance: keep that flea-ridden pest off my property or I will have no choice but to chop his legs off with my small, but extremely effective chainsaw.
I’m warning you that I am not the kind of person to go back on their word…
From you know who
Dear cat-loving psycho-woman,
If you so much as breathe on my dog I will tie your cat to my washing line. That’ll give Binky some exercise.
From your worst nightmare if you cross me
Dear retarded freakazoid,
I have now sprayed copious amounts of pesticide on my garden to ward off possums and other feral animals that destroy my garden. Your move.
From the winner
Dear at-risk-of-cancer soulless inflictor of pain,
Binky had his stomach pumped. Your cat isn’t coming home for dinner.
From the arbiter of justice
Dear pimple-bum bastard,
If Mr. Waffles isn’t back tomorrow I will call the police…and this time ‘Binky’ will suffer more than a stomach pumping…
From the angel of death
Dear owner of the shaved blue cat,
He’s all yours. Don’t touch my dog.
From the exterior decorator
Dear surprisingly artistic but nonetheless sadistic moron,
Alright, I have a proposition for you. We each pay half for the fence, then Binky can run free and I can eat my vegetables without fear of free salad dressing. And why won’t the blue come out?
Dear mediocre mediator,
I accept on the condition that you give Binky more room on his side of the fence. The dye is long-lasting. It’s a fashion statement.
The fashion critic
Dear crappy critic,
It’s a deal. Dinner Tuesday? You can taste the vegetables for yourself.
Dear hooded vigilante,
I’ll bring dessert (and yes I’ll leave Binky tied up).